Nightime Thought Patterns

Been awhile and I have recently been thinking about how I miss writing. There's something so fulfilling about it. I'm just going to dive right in. Mostly this is for me. I'm laying in bed and as I often do am trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of random and sometimes completely obsessive thoughts that inevitably happen. It's the night time that I fear the most when I am alone with myself. That's a pretty cool little quote. I've come up with few others lately and ive been fairly impressed with myself ;-). My thoughts tonight are about a girl. Let's just call her Tracey, you know in an effort to anonymize this a little bit. I really annoy myself with how quickly I form these misguided feelings for the most unavailable women. Is it secretly because the unavailable ones are safe? I won't get hurt overly bad if we only make it a few dates in right? But where's my happiness in doomed relationships. I've had the "am I ready" conversation with myself over and over while trying to decide if I wanted to ask Tracey out. So I decided I am ready and I do honestly feel that I am ready. But then I choose the most guarded, private woman who has "Not Ready" clearly stamped on her beautiful forehead. And I completely disregard how obviously emotionally scarred at the moment she is and ask her out while thinking to myself the entire time that if I can just get her to trust me and open up, she'll see what a great guy I am and fall for me. I know it's a flawed thought process right?!?! So undoubtedly its supposed to all end well for me right? How many times am I going to do this to myself again. It's the same thing with Tobi and half a dozen other girls I've dated over the last few years. Is this really what dating and relationships are like in the late 30's? I sat and wrote a nice email letter to Tracey today talking about her fear and pain and how I'm patient and blah blah blah and then I realized that while I am patient, why should I waste my time on a non-guaranteed thing that I can only hope will recover and then choose me? It's a bad return on investment right? That's what I know in my head buy then of course I listen to my heart which is telling me that she really is special and could be absolutely amazing if I were to just be patient. It's my crux, to wait patiently for a potentially wonderful thing or to press on and try and find the "next" potentially wonderful thing. And as it turned out, last time I did this same thing with Tobi, she turned out to not even be close to a wonderful thing but a highly unstable mess. How I miss the easy I had with J. Not the bad J mind you, the great one. Too bad I completely ruined that one with the breakup and the ensuing late night awkward phone call much after. Anyways, I think my dating hiatus is officially over. As much as I think about if I am actually ready, I really am ready. I have really missed being in a relationship and all of those small moments that are involved. On another note, now that the dating hiatus is over, I need to be cognizant of the boy and how i involve him. He's getting older and wiser and much more observant. In addition, I cam not let myself put the dating above him. In the past I have done that a bit and have really regretted that I blew that responsibility to him for a moment. He is my world and even though I would like to find happiness in my romantic world, I couldn't be happier in my home world! It's now 11 and I'm quite tired after drinking away a little sorrow last night. I'm out.