Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday hum drums
It's one of those Sundays when I'm just not really feeling like doing much of anything. These Sundays are happening a little more frequently lately. This is my world lately. I'm glad summer is coming, these types of days usually slow down during the summer.
My newest lame letter that I'll never send
It’s a story. This is what I do when Saturday Night Live just doesn’t hold my interest.
In a land on the edge of the divide, surrounded by an increasing tide of concrete, brick and mortar we find in the most unlikely of places, the story of an incredible journey.
You wouldn’t expect him to rise above the average nor be in the lead of his brethren but he makes his statement through his pure gentility and dedication to that he holds dear. It is the unapologetic way that he presents himself that leads most people to give thought to his ways. Not unique in any one particular way but unique in his whole. He is simply, himself.
In himself, he has discovered that which plagues all men, thoughts of a woman. He has spent much time self reflecting that which has befallen him in the past, that which has scarred him. The hurt and pain involved was unimaginable and still haunts him. It is this pain that had secluded him in a world devoid of all that he held dear. He walked alone along this path, content in the meanings that he decided. He determined the outcome, he was his own master, no one else had a say in his feelings.
It is in this self reflecting manner that he lost his focus on his path alone. He became intrigued and explored the feelings that had long been suppressed. The path he was on was no longer singular in destination but, the multiplicity of the paths ahead was staggering. He sought the solace that only friends can provide and looked to their experience to guide him with his impending decisions. He knew what he wanted, what he secretly has known for the better part of his young life. Yet, he overlooked those desires, those dreams in favor of the stability and security that could only be found along the single path that he had created for himself. His time along the singular path was coming to an end before him. And it was towards the end of this path that he slowly had an experience that would further define his future. This experience was not sudden in occurrence but slowly evolved from a single point. It was an experience that while felt before was more vivid in its meaning. The experience had time to mature, to slowly come to fruition in the man’s field of vision. He knew what this was, he had remembered from the past what this would mean for him. It would mean an extended hiatus from the path he had chosen for so long. And he was calm about that. He was calm because he had accepted the paths presented. He was calm because this experience provided a feeling of warmth, and knowing, that while there were multiple paths presented, the end would present two paths merging to one. He also knew that he would not know which two paths would merge, but his confidence in the inevitability of those two paths coming together was enormous. Two paths coming together is an incredible and most disconcerting occurrence. When two paths align towards a meeting, there is always the trepidation of knowing if the other path is ready to unite and more importantly if the two paths will stay merged for time. It is the knowing if the woman on the other path is ready to walk alongside that is the most difficult part. He realizes that her path is a solitary path right now. He understands, as with his own path, that there is the needed solace that one comes to find in walking alone. But here is this man. He is alone on his path and has taken the action of swerving his path towards that of her path. It was not an action taken on a whim. While he has realized that his path is leading to another’s, he still remembers his own pain and the reasons he chose the singular path. He knows that there is no chance for him to find another to meet with if he doesn’t take the chance to move his path first. But to move his path, he needs to remember his pain but not let it decide his fate. For it is his decision, and not the choice of the pain he had endured. Just as it is hers, and not her pain that must decide the path she takes. It is difficult to make that decision and dismiss the hurt. It is a conscience decision that is made, yet the pain will still have say in how and when it is made. It is the point that one can stand in front of the pain and know that it will not define their life that they will be able to have their paths move towards another’s. This man who has moved his path towards the woman’s is not going to move anymore. He’s remembered his own pain and has thought about uniting his multiple paths back into a single path and walking alone again. His pain, while diminished by time, still causes a desire to withdraw to a single path, but he is strong and places importance not on the pain remembered but, the joys that united paths present. The joys that cannot be determined, to either last or end, until the time that either may happen. It’s important to him to honestly state his feelings to she who walks the other path. To express that while he is strong and steady on his path, he desires their paths to close together. It is not his desire to rush to close the gap separating their paths, but to patiently and steadily walk his path with the hope that she will close the gap along her terms and time. He is confident that along her path, she will come to realize that his choice to walk steady and wait for her closing is a testament to his determination that someone as special as her should not be dismissed as his path moves along. It is a statement that he is confident in his ability to be understanding and to be caring of her as she decides to be defined by the hope of joy instead of the remembrance of the past. Because he knows that remembrance of the past can only be overcome with the slow passing of time, and perhaps the gentle understanding of the man walking the path that is getting closer and closer. He’s gentle and kind, caring and understanding, and while he doesn’t profess to state that time in its eternity will happen if their paths cross closer, he is certain that he will take care to let it be known that his honesty will be enduring, his dedication will be unfaltering, and that he is there. Opening his deepest feelings to her as a sign that the pain is not all encompassing but just a fleeting phase. This man knows that the woman’s path could go in a different direction. He accepts that possibility. He hopes though, that this special woman will perhaps take a chance and move her path a little closer and that she understands that not all paths lead to disappointment and pain. Because pain is not the norm, it is the exception and although it feels as if trust is just a fleeting idea once dreamed of, it can be a reality if given the opportunity. And the man also realizes that he could be as dense as to not take the polite “I’m not ready” statement as an actual “I’m not interested” but trusting in the woman’s statements that it’s not a blow off, just a timing issue. However, he, being a man, is definitely prone to following the wrong meaning of the statements based on his desires. The man, again a man, should be able to distinguish between the subtleties of a declination of advance and the woman’s honest desire to not fall into the same trap as in her past, but he has been a little occupied by the possible meanings for him in the previous conversations that some subtleties could have been lost on him. Should this be the case, the man would kindly appreciate the woman directly defining this to him. But if it truly is an inconvenient arrangement of timing between the man and the woman, the man went to the tallest tower in the castle and laid the dragon to rest for all to see. And standing atop the dragon with his chest pushed out in pride, he shouted at the top of his lungs, “I am Awesome, but not in a Barney type way but rather a Ted and Marshall type way”. This being said, the townsfolk looked upon him and proclaimed that the crazy man upon the tower in the plaid shirt speaking in volumes of needless words, need be granted the lady’s blessing to proceed on a “hanging out together” or he would like to consider it a date, on the Saturday upcometh. This of course should she have made it through the breadth of these countless (1485 to this point) words.
In a land on the edge of the divide, surrounded by an increasing tide of concrete, brick and mortar we find in the most unlikely of places, the story of an incredible journey.
You wouldn’t expect him to rise above the average nor be in the lead of his brethren but he makes his statement through his pure gentility and dedication to that he holds dear. It is the unapologetic way that he presents himself that leads most people to give thought to his ways. Not unique in any one particular way but unique in his whole. He is simply, himself.
In himself, he has discovered that which plagues all men, thoughts of a woman. He has spent much time self reflecting that which has befallen him in the past, that which has scarred him. The hurt and pain involved was unimaginable and still haunts him. It is this pain that had secluded him in a world devoid of all that he held dear. He walked alone along this path, content in the meanings that he decided. He determined the outcome, he was his own master, no one else had a say in his feelings.
It is in this self reflecting manner that he lost his focus on his path alone. He became intrigued and explored the feelings that had long been suppressed. The path he was on was no longer singular in destination but, the multiplicity of the paths ahead was staggering. He sought the solace that only friends can provide and looked to their experience to guide him with his impending decisions. He knew what he wanted, what he secretly has known for the better part of his young life. Yet, he overlooked those desires, those dreams in favor of the stability and security that could only be found along the single path that he had created for himself. His time along the singular path was coming to an end before him. And it was towards the end of this path that he slowly had an experience that would further define his future. This experience was not sudden in occurrence but slowly evolved from a single point. It was an experience that while felt before was more vivid in its meaning. The experience had time to mature, to slowly come to fruition in the man’s field of vision. He knew what this was, he had remembered from the past what this would mean for him. It would mean an extended hiatus from the path he had chosen for so long. And he was calm about that. He was calm because he had accepted the paths presented. He was calm because this experience provided a feeling of warmth, and knowing, that while there were multiple paths presented, the end would present two paths merging to one. He also knew that he would not know which two paths would merge, but his confidence in the inevitability of those two paths coming together was enormous. Two paths coming together is an incredible and most disconcerting occurrence. When two paths align towards a meeting, there is always the trepidation of knowing if the other path is ready to unite and more importantly if the two paths will stay merged for time. It is the knowing if the woman on the other path is ready to walk alongside that is the most difficult part. He realizes that her path is a solitary path right now. He understands, as with his own path, that there is the needed solace that one comes to find in walking alone. But here is this man. He is alone on his path and has taken the action of swerving his path towards that of her path. It was not an action taken on a whim. While he has realized that his path is leading to another’s, he still remembers his own pain and the reasons he chose the singular path. He knows that there is no chance for him to find another to meet with if he doesn’t take the chance to move his path first. But to move his path, he needs to remember his pain but not let it decide his fate. For it is his decision, and not the choice of the pain he had endured. Just as it is hers, and not her pain that must decide the path she takes. It is difficult to make that decision and dismiss the hurt. It is a conscience decision that is made, yet the pain will still have say in how and when it is made. It is the point that one can stand in front of the pain and know that it will not define their life that they will be able to have their paths move towards another’s. This man who has moved his path towards the woman’s is not going to move anymore. He’s remembered his own pain and has thought about uniting his multiple paths back into a single path and walking alone again. His pain, while diminished by time, still causes a desire to withdraw to a single path, but he is strong and places importance not on the pain remembered but, the joys that united paths present. The joys that cannot be determined, to either last or end, until the time that either may happen. It’s important to him to honestly state his feelings to she who walks the other path. To express that while he is strong and steady on his path, he desires their paths to close together. It is not his desire to rush to close the gap separating their paths, but to patiently and steadily walk his path with the hope that she will close the gap along her terms and time. He is confident that along her path, she will come to realize that his choice to walk steady and wait for her closing is a testament to his determination that someone as special as her should not be dismissed as his path moves along. It is a statement that he is confident in his ability to be understanding and to be caring of her as she decides to be defined by the hope of joy instead of the remembrance of the past. Because he knows that remembrance of the past can only be overcome with the slow passing of time, and perhaps the gentle understanding of the man walking the path that is getting closer and closer. He’s gentle and kind, caring and understanding, and while he doesn’t profess to state that time in its eternity will happen if their paths cross closer, he is certain that he will take care to let it be known that his honesty will be enduring, his dedication will be unfaltering, and that he is there. Opening his deepest feelings to her as a sign that the pain is not all encompassing but just a fleeting phase. This man knows that the woman’s path could go in a different direction. He accepts that possibility. He hopes though, that this special woman will perhaps take a chance and move her path a little closer and that she understands that not all paths lead to disappointment and pain. Because pain is not the norm, it is the exception and although it feels as if trust is just a fleeting idea once dreamed of, it can be a reality if given the opportunity. And the man also realizes that he could be as dense as to not take the polite “I’m not ready” statement as an actual “I’m not interested” but trusting in the woman’s statements that it’s not a blow off, just a timing issue. However, he, being a man, is definitely prone to following the wrong meaning of the statements based on his desires. The man, again a man, should be able to distinguish between the subtleties of a declination of advance and the woman’s honest desire to not fall into the same trap as in her past, but he has been a little occupied by the possible meanings for him in the previous conversations that some subtleties could have been lost on him. Should this be the case, the man would kindly appreciate the woman directly defining this to him. But if it truly is an inconvenient arrangement of timing between the man and the woman, the man went to the tallest tower in the castle and laid the dragon to rest for all to see. And standing atop the dragon with his chest pushed out in pride, he shouted at the top of his lungs, “I am Awesome, but not in a Barney type way but rather a Ted and Marshall type way”. This being said, the townsfolk looked upon him and proclaimed that the crazy man upon the tower in the plaid shirt speaking in volumes of needless words, need be granted the lady’s blessing to proceed on a “hanging out together” or he would like to consider it a date, on the Saturday upcometh. This of course should she have made it through the breadth of these countless (1485 to this point) words.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Buttocks of the tender type.
I theorize that your butt should be more tender the younger you are. It only makes sense right? I mean your feet and hands usually tend to callous as you use them more and get older. But the butt is the complete opposite of what it should be. I used to be able to ride my bike all day long and not have any problems but today after a 3 hour ride with the boy, my buttocks are sore!! It us just not fair!
Autocratic Rule
My little 7 year old boy is playing at a playground and I'm amazed at how he wields authority over the other kids there. In a matter of 10 minutes, he's got two other little boys with him and he's making the rules of the games they are playing "I'm the commander clone trooper and you two are my regular clone troopers". I'm kind of glad that he appears to be leading and not following although I really need to make sure he doesn't lead too well or he could end up leading some sort of cult, which as we all know is bad, especially if there's kool-aid involved.
Maybe it's because he's an only child and sets his own play rules when he's alone. I often have to remind him that I am subject to his rules and that we should just play and not worry about the rules. I don't remember having play rules when I was a kid, maybe it's because we just played. Or maybe it's because I was a little but of a follower, not really sure there. But, I am secretly proud of his leading abilities!!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Incredibles
The Incredibles is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. I know it's kind of cheesy to classify an animated flick in that type of category but really, it's a movie that I continue to laugh and thoroughly enjoy. Even when the boy isn't watching it with me. It's hands down the best animated film of all time.
It's great when super heroes get old and settle down and it really nails the conflicts that most of us encounter within ourselves all the time. It's a novel way to bring light to some of the issues that we end up experiencing as we get older: the contentment issues we face with the daily grind, the esteem issues we face with loss of hair, love handles and hips, and the strength of family. And the movie presents it in such a light hearted way that it touches me on several levels.
Friday night watching a cartoon, that's my life! I do supplement it with a little vodka-redbull which really brings out the nuances of the movie ;-)
Neighborhood bars
Finding a neighborhood bar that is both fun and useful is actually quite difficult.
You want somewhere that is convenient while providing all the necessities that you need. For me it's a quieter environment where I can actually talk to people, pool tables, friendly barkeeps, and a fairly diverse clientele.
It took me 4 years to finally find my place. And I am so glad I did. I never thought I could appreciate a bar so much but the more I hang out there, the more I realize it's not just a place to get drunk but a place to socialize in a non-threatening environment. I know I can be myself at home but I really don't socialize much at home. I'm more of a home is my sanctuary type person. You know unspoiled by any part of the outside world. Sorry, I digress. The bar is a nice place to socialize with friends, and strangers alike without any of the complications from work or kids or responsibilities getting on the way. So this place I found is called Hoppers and it's really close to my house so I can walk if necessary, it's cheap and I have yet to walk out of there without engaging in some sort of conversation with a complete stranger. I've never experienced this and it is truly fun!!
Cinco de Mayo
Cinco de Mayo is coming up in a few weeks. I can't believe that it will have been 5 years since my divorce. It seems like such a lifetime ago. It's all blurry and the memories are faded and for that I am happy. It's a part of my life that is better left with faded memories. On to the better stuff, right? My life since has been different than I had expected. I guess I really hadn't thought too much about the future back then but now that it's been almost half a decade since I began this new life journey I had hoped I would of been a little more established and of course found love. Alas it took me damn near 3 years to find some friends and really start a life. 5 years of constantly learning more and more about myself. And the really ironic thing is that I'm still learning. Ah, oh well. I'm taking it at my own little pace and overall I'm pleased with the directions that I've taken whether they were good or bad.
Music in my head
You know, James Blunt really is good. I have to admit that when I first heard "You're Beautiful" several years ago I thought that his whiny voice would soon disappear as a one hit wonder. The radio stations got their kick out of overloading it which didn't suit his cause either. So a year or so ago I caught an Austin City Limits on PBS and he has playing and it was my first exposure to his other stuff and I have to say that I've been listening to him ever since. While I thought that he was quite whiny in the beginning, his voice is amazingly soothing. His lyrics are well thought out and incredibly meaningful to me. I know I've found a good artist when I can listen to his music through my entire range of emotions and there's always a song that fits.
David Gray is another one that I've been mesmerized with as well. His voice is exceptional as well yet his lyrics aren't quite as strong ad Blunts. Although I often play the two back and forth over and over for a bit if a mix. I think I have overplayed David Gray a little much for me since I find that I'm skipping his songs a little more often lately.
If you haven't yet really listened to either, I would highly recommend doing so.
Random thought while I was writing that: why is it I turn my music down at intersections? I listen to my music loudly all the time when I'm alone, yet I still feel the need to lower the volume when stopping at a light. I guess I don't feel the need to potentially subject others to the song of the day. That's it, I'm just being considerate of others. I wish the "thumpers" would take that cue sometimes. But more power to them for enjoying their music loud!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Nightime Thought Patterns
Been awhile and I have recently been thinking about how I miss writing. There's something so fulfilling about it. I'm just going to dive right in. Mostly this is for me.
I'm laying in bed and as I often do am trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of random and sometimes completely obsessive thoughts that inevitably happen. It's the night time that I fear the most when I am alone with myself. That's a pretty cool little quote. I've come up with few others lately and ive been fairly impressed with myself ;-).
My thoughts tonight are about a girl. Let's just call her Tracey, you know in an effort to anonymize this a little bit. I really annoy myself with how quickly I form these misguided feelings for the most unavailable women. Is it secretly because the unavailable ones are safe? I won't get hurt overly bad if we only make it a few dates in right? But where's my happiness in doomed relationships. I've had the "am I ready" conversation with myself over and over while trying to decide if I wanted to ask Tracey out. So I decided I am ready and I do honestly feel that I am ready. But then I choose the most guarded, private woman who has "Not Ready" clearly stamped on her beautiful forehead. And I completely disregard how obviously emotionally scarred at the moment she is and ask her out while thinking to myself the entire time that if I can just get her to trust me and open up, she'll see what a great guy I am and fall for me. I know it's a flawed thought process right?!?! So undoubtedly its supposed to all end well for me right? How many times am I going to do this to myself again. It's the same thing with Tobi and half a dozen other girls I've dated over the last few years. Is this really what dating and relationships are like in the late 30's?
I sat and wrote a nice email letter to Tracey today talking about her fear and pain and how I'm patient and blah blah blah and then I realized that while I am patient, why should I waste my time on a non-guaranteed thing that I can only hope will recover and then choose me? It's a bad return on investment right? That's what I know in my head buy then of course I listen to my heart which is telling me that she really is special and could be absolutely amazing if I were to just be patient. It's my crux, to wait patiently for a potentially wonderful thing or to press on and try and find the "next" potentially wonderful thing. And as it turned out, last time I did this same thing with Tobi, she turned out to not even be close to a wonderful thing but a highly unstable mess.
How I miss the easy I had with J. Not the bad J mind you, the great one. Too bad I completely ruined that one with the breakup and the ensuing late night awkward phone call much after.
Anyways, I think my dating hiatus is officially over. As much as I think about if I am actually ready, I really am ready. I have really missed being in a relationship and all of those small moments that are involved.
On another note, now that the dating hiatus is over, I need to be cognizant of the boy and how i involve him. He's getting older and wiser and much more observant. In addition, I cam not let myself put the dating above him. In the past I have done that a bit and have really regretted that I blew that responsibility to him for a moment. He is my world and even though I would like to find happiness in my romantic world, I couldn't be happier in my home world!
It's now 11 and I'm quite tired after drinking away a little sorrow last night. I'm out.
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